Gentle Reminders, How to and Why
If you wish to share, please wait your turn to share or wait to be recognized by the leader, as there is no crosstalk. That is, we share with the group as a whole, rather than addressing comments or questions to individual members. We limit the length of our sharing so that everyone here will have a chance to speak. Our purpose in sharing is to discuss ourselves, not the sexaholic. Our meetings focus on the S-Anon approach to recovery, so we avoid the mention or discussion of specific titles and authors of publications other than S-Anon Conference Approved Literature. We leave our other identities outside the discussion – other Twelve-Step issues, philosophies, religions, therapies and occupations. We speak about and from the S-Anon point of view. Each member of the group is encouraged to remind other members, during the meeting if necessary, of our commitment to these guidelines. S-Anon Suggested Meeting Format
So, what does it mean for each member to remind other members of our commitment to these guidelines? Does this mean that we jump up and down and shake our finger as soon as someone mentions their religion, or a name? Goodness I hope not! The concept behind gentle reminders is not to scold or reprimand during someone's share. We all know how hard it is to share and how easy it is to mention something that's personal to you without thinking how it might affect someone else in the meeting. Crosstalk guidelines are there for everyone's protection. Protection for the anonymity of the member sharing and the protection of triggering other members who are attending the meeting.
Something that you find to be a natural and great part of your life, might not be for someone else. This does not mean that you cannot allude to or find safe ways to mention what is important to you. We encourage everyone to share their feelings and experiences in all meetings but we suggest ways to make it safe for everyone.
Some examples of how to word your shares to ensure safety are:
"As it was shared earlier." This protects the anonymity of the earlier share and doesn't put them on the spot.
"My personal Higher Power is _______." This allows you to speak of your HP as you need to without mentioning a religion directly. We respect all denominations and do not need to call them by name.
"My counselor/therapist/doctor ..." Specific names of those outside of S-Anon can harm your personal anonymity. This would also apply to your place or work.
"I'm involved in another 12 step group, or am reading a wonderful book." No names of outside groups or specific titles of resources other than Conference Approved Literature (CAL) allows us to focus on S-Anon resources during our meetings. Feel free to share more detailed information after the meeting if requested to do so.
If someone has violated these guidelines, what do you do? After years of experience, and discussion with many groups across the country, we have found the following seems to work best. A simple statement of "Gentle reminder that we do not mention __________ during the meeting per our guidelines." This can be done in multiple ways and all are acceptable and encouraged, including:
- After the share but not during the share.
- After the meeting has concluded as a reminder to all.
- By addressing the member directly either through virtual chat or by pulling aside after the meeting.
Any member who follows the guidelines by speaking a gentle reminder during a meeting should never be seen as attacking, harmful or attempting to embarrass anyone. Gentle reminders are examples of setting boundaries, respecting boundaries and speaking up for those boundaries as needed. This is a crucial gift of our program and this is a great opportunity for members to see it in action!
We would also encourage a Q&A time after every meeting to allow all members to ask questions, clarify program details and voice concerns. Experienced members should be available to assist in answering program questions and pointing members towards CAL for further resources.
For further suggestions for successful meetings, visit the S-Anon/S-Ateen Service Manual.
